For authenticity’s sake, I am typing this while the loudest rendition of It’s Beginning to Look A Lot Like Christmas that I have ever heard is blasting through the speakers of this coffeeshop chain. As I promised last year, I cannot commit to being partial, fair, or correct in the following list.
Here is the blondemezz dot substack dot com NAUGHTY OR NICE list of 2022:
N A U G H T Y
Most recently the violent illness I have suffered last week that has reminded me that nothing on this earth is more humbling than staring at the bowl of a toilet seat and have it stare back.
Degrassi breakout star Aubrey Graham (also known in some circles as “Drake”). If he’s not throwing it all on the line for 21 Savage in the ovulation anthem of the year, he’s making us watch him commission incel-coded jewelry. Enough is enough.
Workaholism — even though everyone knows the only way to have a true meetcute is to be a workaholic during the holidays. Just kidding it’s to travel across Europe giving readings from a book you wrote about the night you spent in Vienna with Julie Delpy 9 years ago only to run into her in present-day Paris… but that’s neither here nor there.
The Omicron variant
Transportation — having a real bitch of a time with trains, planes, and automobiles this year. Maybe getting from one place to another shouldn’t be such a fucking event. Why haven’t we, as the human race, simplified this?
Movie to musical to movie. Why does the Matilda musical exist? Why did I have the andrew garfield rendition of 30/90 (a deeply traumatizing song for those who are allergic to thinking about aging) stuck in my head for well into January of this year? Who is that for? Maybe we should not have made Broadway, like, that accessible.
No Succession this year
War — need I say more?
My podcast almost being sued for IP violation by the corporate overlords behind the iconoclast children’s summer camp band Imagine Dragons. Heard of them?
The abortion ban??? Damn I forgot that happened this year.
N I C E
They finally made a batman for the girls and the gays. Not that the George Clooney batman wasn’t camp, but Robert Pattinson (best known for a 9/11 movie and being cheated on by Kristen Stewart) yearning for justice and <cat emoji> for 3 hours straight? Nice!
Figuring out and executing my ideal haircut and being quiet and very normal about it.
The new Carly Rae Jepsen album that bravely came out on the same day as T*ylor Sw*ft’s. Dame Jepsen is laying down the groundwork to secure the spot of this upcoming summer’s anthem, Beach House, a really relatable song about dating people who own a beach house and do not call you back. How does she do it?
My dad’s flannel scarf that he wraps around his head like a babushka so his ears don’t get cold. Yes, inside the house.
The woman in this tweet:
The TikTok chocolatier that I’m gatekeeping from you all. Yes, we are married on all planes but this one. No, I will not post the link. Mind your own business.
Queen Elizabeth II croaking it. Watching every former British colony be such massive haters was incredibly healing to me.
This fucking clip that plays on loop inside my mind day and night:
The casting of Jonathan Bailey as Fiyero on the movie adaptation of Wicked. I know I just trashed musicals but be quiet.
My friends. My friends! I manifest and pray your wishes come true a thousand fold this year. My God, I love you. I miss you. I will kick your ass. I will swaddle you. Whatever you need.
xx.
is the chocolatier the dude who does numbers on tumblr and makes shit like chess boards, bc if so, he needs his own tier tbh