The Drastic Change.

On Sunday night while I was loading the washer, as though haunted by a terrifyingly beautiful spirit (not like a scary ghost but like a spiteful sprite acting out due to being sexually frustrated or whatever it is that make sprites mischievous), I was visited by a thought.

A thought so diabolical and obscene that I had to stop messing with the settings on the smart washer (or as I fondly call her, the washer that makes me stupid) and stand there, slack-jawed. The thought goes like this: in about 17 days I will turn 29 years old.

Suddenly, the train-careening-off-the-train-tracks of a life I’ve been living for the past couple years is playing before me in 4k. It’s not the thought of turning 29 by itself that has haunted me so, but rather a flashback to 12 years ago when I was 17. For me, it was a weepy age and I had just finished a journal and bound it with tape (i know). I don’t remember what all was in it but due to being extremely and uniquely misunderstood in ways no one else on this planet ever has and so on and so forth, it was most likely a lot of angst but also a lot hope about the future (a thing I had in bounty at the time). And on the tape, I wrote “DO NOT OPEN UNTIL 2026” with this idea that by the time I’d hit the age of 30 — at the time I definitely thought I’d have a couple kids that I’d have wanted by now and gone through like a chic divorce in my 20s LOL — I’d unbind the journal and feel kind of proud of how far I’d come. Let’s just say… it’s a good thing that at that age, I did not know about my favorite Dostoevsky quote. But also what the fuck did 17 year-old-me know anyway?? My wildest dreams were like to live in an artsy studio loft and have a British accent. So anyway I’ve decided not to care what teenage me would have wanted for myself.

Instead, knowing all that I know now with the full force of my entire 20s, I’m tape-binding this post for ONE YEAR. And when I’m to “peel the tape off” again on July 14, 2026, I will have drastically changed my life.

Now, I’m not an unreasonable woman. Do I think in one year, I’ll have drastically changed all the circumstances of my career/finances/love-life/personal achievements?

A resounding no. But, I do think it’s reasonable and even maybe a bit necessary to have expectations for oneself. So mine, realistically, will be to see One Drastic Change. So obviously, it would be really stupid to come back next week or next month and bitch about The Everything while I’m working on this so this is where I tell you that we are saying a formal goodbye for a year.

I think it’d be good for us both if I fucked off for a little bit. Anyway, you better not unsubscribe because while I’ve set up this dramatic exit, just think of how unnecessarily dramatic my comeback is going to be. It’s going to make the phrase “Comeback Kid” pale!!! John Mulaney eat my SHORTS. Anyway, if you don’t ever hear from me ever again (I’m off Twitter and IG for the time-being as well), I’ve probably failed at my directive and have decided to silently resign myself to a life of discontent and mediocrity. And if such a thing must happen in the narrative of my story, then so be it. Either way, it’s been real.

Xx

BLONDEMEZZ IS CURRENTLY LISTENING TO

» North American Scum by LCD Soundsystem

» Bedroom Exile by Giant Rooks

» You’re Gonna Go Far Kid by The Offspring