Let's Play A Game

alt title: early oughts history lesson xxxx

I know I’ve always said this substack is about ME not MEDIA, but I’m willing to make the exception due to the nightmare reality we live in currently. It’s always recession indicator this and recession indicator that and even though the last time it was happening, I was watching Zoey 101 while my parents argued about money in the other room, I’ve decided to take on the helm of helping us decide what the recession role assignments are going to be for this time around. (DISCLAIMER: to be clear I’m not really commenting on HOW MUCH YOU LIKE OR DISLIKE THE ARTISTS AND THEIR SUBSTANCE OR QUALITY BUT RATHER THE ROLE THEY PLAY IN THE GREATER GAME OF CULTURAL IMPACT OK SO DO NOT GET MAD AT ME)

omg remember collages, these were the shit

We could do the basic stuff like “what is our version of the Iraq war” but you can just go on X formerly known as twitter for that information. Instead, I have more pressing questions such as —

• Who will be our Black Eyed Peas

  Speculation: You’re not going to like the eerie parallel I draw here but it’s sort of unquestioningly charli xcx. Think about it, much like the Black Eyed Peas, she came onto the music scene a good decade before the height of her relevance in mainstream culture, eventually taking over the club scene. You can hate me for saying 365 is the I Gotta Feeling of the modern age, but play one right after another and you’ll see that a 127 bpm isn’t the only thing they have in common!!

• Who will be the Grey’s Anatomy of our modern nightmare?

  Speculation: I can report that the weekly medical drama is Back in a Big Way. Ignoring the fact that Grey’s will probably outlive democracy, I’m talking about the show that will have the sort of Impact that can rival when Meredith Grey stepped onto the screens and into the hearts of millions in 2005. I’ve seen more edits of The Pitt than texts from my literal loved ones (sorry I’ll get back to you soon).

• Who is the modern recession’s Taylor Swift?

  Speculation: None, it’s still Taylor Swift. I wouldn’t really credit her with evolving with the current political climate.

• SPEAKING of the Iraq War...what about Green Day?

  Speculation: This will make you mad at me too but I’m not talking about the venerated Green Day of today that everyone is fond of. I’m talking about the Green Day freshly post-American Idiot in Howard Stern’s America when people were arguing if they were the biggest anti-war voice in the country or corporate sellouts. I think that sentiment in the punk scene today is dead (lol) but the closest I can see the public discourse imitating that is: Chappell Roan.

I’ll save the rest of my speculations for later because I don’t believe in long form substack but… I missed you, I hope you missed me. And while we wait for the next installment of whatever this is, I need everyone — ALL fifty-something of you to noodle on the question that’s been BURNING in my mind for the last week while I’ve been curiously doing the calculations on this subject:

• WHICH ARTIST WILL TAKE ON THE IMPORTANT TASK OF WRITING THE CURRENT RECESSION’S PARTY ROCK ANTHEM???????

If you have an inkling or have other ideas about Modern Recession Assignments (such as “where does Sabrina Carpenter configure into this), drop me a line in the comments or on the Official Ardently Seeking a Life Question Form.

Talk to you soon <3
Xx