holding on for tomorrow

she's a 20th century girl.... with her hands on the rails

I couldn’t sleep so I’ve spent the last two hours watching videos about flossing properly. I don’t know how I’m meant to make big career moves and fall in love (the next simple checkmarks on my to-do list) if I can’t stop fixating on preventative dental hygiene. The anxiety dreams I have about my teeth falling out have done this to me. I’ve been experimenting with trying not to control everything all the time but sometimes that feels like I’m free falling (and not in the tom petty way). I can’t imagine what life is like outside of a laundry list of things to fix. She loved passion projects so much, she became one.

I bought a water flosser that I’m excited to try. I have added some events onto the gcal for the next couple months. I’m trying to remember the last time I was filled with Purpose. The last six months of my life have been a shit show, but if I’m being really honest, the rot started far before that.

I almost got away with reprogramming my brain to code the conventional achievements of life to be satisfying: a nice job, a cool apartment, events, travel, a string of failed relationships with software engineers, etc. But alas, we can’t escape our nature so once again, at age 28, my terminal main character syndrome rears its ugly head. Why am I so entitled to think that there’s more, something bigger for me somehow. What does that even MEAN. Sometimes it’s so unfair to feel like I’m being left behind by my peers when like, I never even really wanted what they have. I just don’t know what it is that I do want. It actually feels so adolescent to think this way but I have to let her out for air sometimes.

do u guys even like me

Maybe all of this is like symptomatic of my main thing which is I am Girl Who Did Not Leave Her Hometown. Like maybe that is just making me weird. But UGH, I wish I’d get over it if that were the case. Or like just move somewhere. Maybe I need to go be miserable somewhere colder or closer to the ocean for three years and I’ll finally stumble upon whatever it is I’m desperately searching for. Or maybe I need to talk to my doctor about a lithium prescription.

But I mean Oasis is back together so anything can happen. :P